I don't know how long we've been at this new routine and way. If feels like a long time and also not. Some days, most days, there'll be a length of time in the day that is easy, joyful, beautiful. Other times, a lot of times, it is blue, dark, fear filled.
I woke up fear filled this morning. I had a bad dream last night. In my dream, my youngest was his 6 year old self rather than the 9 year old he is currently. He was energetic and excited to play soccer. We were playing in a weird place. Something like an apocalyptic community school. The play space wasn't safe, but it was all we had. He was playing, and so happy and silly. And then he fell off a ledge. That's when I woke up.
In real life, and not in the dream, he screamed in his sleep last night. And for the past 3 days, he's taken a midmorning nap, which is not normal. And he's complained of a tummy ache and a head ache. I am afraid.
My growing up friend has been blogging and social media updating about parenting lately. Those that were following, me included, were tracking a storyline about her son's breathing treatments. Today, I woke up to the announcement that her son has COVID 19. The picture of the young boy looked so much like my friend. I am sad.
I have been reading, researching, talking, and brainstorming about all the ways we can decolonize, decentralize, work from a framework that is more mutual, all about solidarity. No matter how much I study, challenge myself, question my motives, try alternatives, I am a failure at creating an environment of mutuality in relationships. A long list of my relationships are one sided or off balance. I'm angry about that. I'm angry that I can't seem to figure it out. I'm angry that it seems like sometimes there aren't too many folks that are going out of their way to take care of me in the ways I go out of my way to take care of them. I'm angry that systems and structures have been so strong and in place so long that folks are apathetic, stuck, backs against the wall, in survivor mode, depressed, just trying to make it, and complacent. Just once, when I make a visit to someone, I'd like for them to say, "And how are you? What can I do for you? Is there anything you want me to be praying for?" [Clearly, if you're reading this, you don't exactly fall into this category and if you did say these things, I wouldn't take them seriously.- it is a vicious inside-of-me cycle that can't be fixed by external cues]
I attended Cathy Hasty's workshop on Karpman’s Drama Triangle and Grace Circles. I know what I'm doing is falling into the trap of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor. Cathy gave a helpful metaphor. She said when you get into the trap of falling into the roles, when you notice it within yourself, look at it with curiosity. Observe what you feel, where you are when you feel it, where that feelings is in your body. Notice it. Allow the noticing to pull you out of its tight grip. Then, move toward a more nuanced, less tight stance of Shepherd, Prophet, or Mystic.
I texted my brother this morning. I mentioned my fear. He said this is a good time to meditate. I'm going to go and do that now.
Here are my notes straight from Cathy Hasty's training: