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  • Helms Jarrell

Muddy mind

I have had a few straight days of clear thinking and things getting done. It felt good.


That time has passed. I'm back to the muddy mind I remember from weeks 1,2, & 3.


Throughout weeks 1,2,& 3 of Charlotte Corona experience, I couldn't quite figure out why I had such a muddy mind. Things weren't, in real time, all that bad. The daily routine wasn't pressing or difficult. I kept asking, "Why are you not able to concentrate? Why are things feeling low when your daily experience is just fine?"


This time, I've got a long list of reasons that make sense for me to have a muddy mind:


-four days ago my mom complained of dizzy spells and a headache.- two days ago my mom went to the doctor- 1 day go my mom went to the hospital in an ambulance.- Her symptoms included dizzy and can't catch breath- 1 day of waiting later- her corona test came back negative- she has severe vertigo and some heart issues that will need to be addressed- perhaps a pacemaker-


-my godson has signed up to leave for military boarding school in 10 days- he made this decision 20 days ago- I am so sad- I do not want him to go- I think it is a bad idea- I especially think it is a bad idea in a pandemic- I hate the military- I hate that it preys on black and brown teenaged boys- the military is a pedofile that preys on young black and brown bodies- I'm sorry for those of you who disagree- I feel strongly about this-


-I haven't found time to be creative- I get interrupted constantly- no physical space is mine and mine alone- There's not enough room for personal reflection + creativity for fun + creativity for art + community care + family care+ communal life + spouse care + school + body care-


-I need a break from directing- I know I take this role and initiate it- I don't know how not to-


-My brother and I talked on the phone twice yesterday- 1 time we cried together- 1 time we laughed together-


-The job I've been asked to do for my other work is tedious and repetitive and redundant (yes, I meant that repeat.)- I am avoiding it-


-There are good things too- We raised more than I thought we could for QCFTcares, an effort to redistribute wealth to neighbors- I have 2 pieces exhibiting in an art show in June- my children hug me a lot- I have been exercising-


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